I cry a lot these days.

in one of my writing classes somewhere along the way in school, I learned that in order to get an audience to read your writing, you've got to hook them with your first line or you're likely to lose them. in this case, the title of the post.

to elaborate, with age I've become quite an emotional person. I've always been super sentimental, but recently, any sentiment at all draws tears. I can't explain it other than to say, I'm becoming my mother.

there have recently been a few videos circulating that have really hit me.

this one I saw a week or so ago;

this one I saw today;

and both of them, obviously, struck a chord. they got me thinking. I have so much to be thankful for. these kids are sick, living in a hospital and still happy. they're fighters and they're inspirational and I need to CHECK myself. 

I saw a saying recently that read;

 

I'm in the process of changing my lifestyle on multiple levels and no matter how bad I WANT for something, I'm trying to remind myself that I already HAVE so much. so, so, so much to be thankful for.

to you, my fellow postgrads.

I believe I just had a revelation.
at least, I think that's a good label for what just happened.

I don't blog often, which is strange because I like blogging. but mostly i'm not surprised because, as i've mentioned before, a blog is basically just an online journal...and i'm a PITIFUL journalist. but when I do blog, it's usually when I have [or think I have] something worth saying. today, I have something to say.

as I've mentioned in a few posts before, i'm a college graduate. and as glamorous as that is...it's really not. a giant black trash bag with a matching cap and a piece of laminated paper are [basically] the only things that separate me from being a college student and me being a college graduate. in these past few months since graduation, until recently [within the past 3-4 weeks], I haven't had an opportunity to process where I really am in life. the day after graduation I left for a Florida vacation, a week after that I left for a 6 week trip to Honduras, a day after returning from that trip I left to direct at camp and two days after camp ended I started my nannying job. my first month of so of nannying was just getting used to having a full time job and getting to know the behaviors and routines of a precious little baby. so here I am on the other side of being a college student, really and truly. i've had a few weeks to process where I am in life and it's been a roller coaster let me tell you. my mom especially can attest to the fact that I'm 100% confident I went through each of the 5 stages of grief. I isolated myself for a few days after camp [like, a modern day hermit crab if you will]. I was angry over nothing, for who knows what reason, for a few days. I bargained over everything from coming home to finding a job to my degree. and until today, I was stuck in a slight bought of depression. let me first say that it is entirely possibly to be happy and sad at the same time. BUT, i'm happy to say that today I conquered stage 5, acceptance. and that is where my revelation comes into play.

I got my degree in education and [as soon as my license arrives in the mail (I owe part of not having my license yet to being in total denial)] i'll be licensed and certified to teach young minds. but guys, i'm not teaching this year. i'm nannying a precious, precious little [almost] 5 month old baby girl. and I LOVE IT. I love being able to watch her grow up, being able to see her hit milestones and just being able to be involved in her life. but i'm no Mary Poppins and not every nanny can be paid a bajillion dollars, and THIS nanny runs out of "Grace Period" in Novermeber [SUP loans]. so I got a second part-time job at Kohls [I start tonight so the jury is still out to see if i'll love that.] well then there's the fact that I'd like to not only be able to pay my bills & loans, but I'd like to have some spending money for when I do have time to be social. so I also work part-time for my moms company. so in total I have a full-time job and two-part time jobs. [we still haven't quite gotten to the revelation yet]

being a college grad, the first question I get from allllmost everyone is, "so what are you doing now?" and then I say nannying and they say something like "oh that's great! so when are you going to start looking for a teaching job?" and then, usually instantly, I feel [FELT] really inadequate. [I bracket felt because that's where my revelation comes in.] I understand that is a normal conversation for me to be apart of. I also understand that my reaction, while it may seem dramatic, I doubt is uncommon among my fellow graduates who haven't jumped IMMEDIATELY into their career. [my fellow graduates that HAVE jumped immediately into their careers, seriously, YOU GO!! that's so exciting for you and I couldn't be happier for you :) truly!! :)] jumping into my career just wasn't where I thought God wanted me to go right then. and my stages of grief made me question that decision almost everyday for a couple weeks. until I got that question today and didn't, for the first time since graduating, feel inadequate. no, I'm not teaching. but I am not NOT working. I'm working my tail off every day. no, it's not what I went to college for. but it's what I'm happy doing. i'll be a teacher someday. next year? probably. but if not, i'm 23 years old. the reality is, i've got time. i'm not entirely confident we college grads get enough credit for the major life change we go through after graduating. we're not looking to be praised for graduating, just let us know you're in our corner while we do our best to figure our lives, and ourselves, out. and if I want to nanny a sweet baby another year or if I want to work hard at three different jobs to pay off my loans so I can skip the country to live in Honduras or if I want to teach, it's my decision. if my loans & bills are being paid and if i'm doing my best to listen to Gods direction and if i'm genuinely happy in the process, isn't that really all that matters?

a tribute, to my 22nd year

here I am folks, 22 years, 364 days and 23 hours old. a couple hours from now and I'll be a whole new number. it's kind of like going back to school after the first of the year and having to write 20XX for the first time. bizarre, but quite thrilling. to most it'll probably be about as thrilling as my sister believes it is..."you're 23, it's no big deal" but to me, it's my birthday, okay!? as childish as it is, I love my birthday. I don't generally view myself as an attention-seeker (if I come across that way, immediately get in contact with me so I can change that), but for this one day, I like receiving all the attention. sue me! but this isn't about my coming 23rd year and the celebration that it includes. this about paying tribute to my 22nd year.

my favorite way to walk down memory lane is through pictures.
so, let's take a walk.

I started my birthday with a night out with some girlfriends. it's was silly, stupid and included a nice little photo shoot. it was perfect. shout out to one of my best girls, DMo. this was probably the night that our friendship finally took off, for real. for that I'm incredibly thankful.

I started pre-student teaching during my fall semester. it was the first time I finally got to be apart of a classroom and apart of real students lives and educations.

 I lived up my last year in my club. loved every minute and got to form new relationships. I still didn't get to know as many people as I would have liked, but I loved every minute I did take advantage of.

I held onto my job at the daycare with everything in me. these kids kept me sane through every hard day I had and were a constant source of Gods love.

I started insanity. (which I then almost immediately ended) but, it was the catalyst to my road to getting healthy for real. I started running, watching what I was eating and just generally trying to enjoy every minute of my life with full appreciation.

I saw Justin Bieber in concert. judge me if you must. until recently, I loved him a lot and this was the most exciting thing I had done in a while. also, as a side note, even if you don't like him he puts on a DANG good concert.

 I kept running. YEAH BUDDY.

I had my student teaching semester. 40+ hours every week in a classroom, surrounded by little people and moldable minds. it was the most exhausting, exciting and gratifying 18 weeks. it solidified my love for this profession wholeheartedly.

going off of the last picture...I survived student teaching (and working two jobs) because of friends I had that understood what I was going through. I'm thankful for these three and the impact they had. LOVEYALL.

I spent the year making these two relationships stronger, happier and perfectly perfect. these two right here made my Harding experience what it was. 1MANLYLAS.

I graduated with my BACHELORS degree. going to Harding was my dream. keeping myself there was a very real struggle. I'm BLESSED to have had so many people in my corner, praying and supporting me when at times it felt like it'd never work out. God worked it out and I graduated with one of the best experiences of my life.

I finally went to Universal Studios. with two of my best friends. Florida is still recovering from us.

I spent 6 (surprise) weeks in Honduras with my babies and AlPal. there are at least 10+ posts on this trip if you just scroll down a bit. this trip was unplanned (for the most part) and completely life altering. talk about a blessing.

three more surprise weeks were spent at camp as a co-director. childhood dream come true, literally. and not only that, I got to form stronger relationships with old friends. unbelievably blessed...again.

I moved back home to nanny for a sweet little 3 month old girl. one of the biggest plus sides to this is moving within driving distance again to my best friend. this girl has been right by side for 17+ years and I'm so, so, so thankful to be back with her.

22 has been an incredible year. I have been blessed with the opportunity visit so many places, meet so many new people and find myself along the way. I have grown more as a person in this past year than I even knew was possible and I have learned so much more than any school could teach. 23, I'm ready for you to fill the shoes 22 left you, & then some.

xoxotracylynn