Sunday, October 23, 2011

It's been way too long.

     A lot has happened since I last wrote. A lot has changed. A lot of "God moments" have influenced my life. A lot of twists and turns have come up. A lot of growing is to come. A lot has happened since I last wrote.
     Life lately has been tough. I'm finding it hard to see God through the fog. I know He's there, I know it deep down. But sometimes it hard to push past the nonsense the devil is throwing at me to get to that place. So in the mean time I fake it. Pretend I've got it all together and slap a smile on my face. Fake smiles are easier to pull off than facing any problems in my life. But the devils got it down. When I fake him out of any satisfaction, he targets the people I care most about. Because anyone that knows me knows how much love I have for my family and close friends. When he can't get to me, he gets to me through them. He's cunning, quick and manipulating. And he finally got me. 
     I hit a wall this weekend. And I felt every single brick. It hurt so bad that every part of my body was affected. My heart felt heavy. My stomach felt a crippling combination of butterflies & nausea. My brain was so congested and full of information that a headache was the only thing to remind me I wasn't dreaming. Everything I pushed off to the side, under the bed and out of my mind for so long was starring me right in the face. The devil was laughing in my face. He won. I didn't think it was possible to feel so many emotions at one time. I don't feel whole right now. The only time I've ever felt anything even close to this numbness was leaving Honduras. Happiness, sadness, grief, joy, longing, I felt it all.
     There are a few things that have been running through my mind this weekend over and over again. Tenth Avenue North; "Healing Begins" & "You Are More". Advice from a friend; you don't deserve this. Matthew West; "The Motions". For the first time I can remember, I didn't sleep last night. And for me, that's crazy. I love sleep! There were so many thoughts running through my mind. My stomach wouldn't let me close my eyes. I was facing everything for the first time. 
     I'm done pushing things to the side. I'm done pretending everything in life is sunshine and lollipops. I'm done letting the devil force his way into my life without me even putting up a fight. My relationship with God needs work. I need Him now more than I have before. Isn't that always the case though? We turn to God when we need Him. How frustrating must that be for him? Only in the bad times do we decide, Hey, maybe I can't do this alone. Well, as cliche as any lifetime movie, my bad time has come and I can't do it without Him. And I don't want to anymore. I'm ready to feel whole again. I'm ready to feel the love I know only He can give me.

 1 God is our refuge and strength,
   an ever-present help in trouble.
2 Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
   and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
3 though its waters roar and foam
   and the mountains quake with their surging.
 4 There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
   the holy place where the Most High dwells.
5 God is within her, she will not fall;
   God will help her at break of day.
6 Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
   he lifts his voice, the earth melts.
 7 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.
 8 Come and see what the LORD has done,
   the desolations he has brought on the earth.
9 He makes wars cease
   to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
   he burns the shields with fire.
10 He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”
 11 The LORD Almighty is with us;
   the God of Jacob is our fortress.  
Psalm 46