Thursday, September 26, 2013

to you, my fellow postgrads.

I believe I just had a revelation.
at least, I think that's a good label for what just happened.

I don't blog often, which is strange because I like blogging. but mostly i'm not surprised because, as i've mentioned before, a blog is basically just an online journal...and i'm a PITIFUL journalist. but when I do blog, it's usually when I have [or think I have] something worth saying. today, I have something to say.

as I've mentioned in a few posts before, i'm a college graduate. and as glamorous as that's really not. a giant black trash bag with a matching cap and a piece of laminated paper are [basically] the only things that separate me from being a college student and me being a college graduate. in these past few months since graduation, until recently [within the past 3-4 weeks], I haven't had an opportunity to process where I really am in life. the day after graduation I left for a Florida vacation, a week after that I left for a 6 week trip to Honduras, a day after returning from that trip I left to direct at camp and two days after camp ended I started my nannying job. my first month of so of nannying was just getting used to having a full time job and getting to know the behaviors and routines of a precious little baby. so here I am on the other side of being a college student, really and truly. i've had a few weeks to process where I am in life and it's been a roller coaster let me tell you. my mom especially can attest to the fact that I'm 100% confident I went through each of the 5 stages of grief. I isolated myself for a few days after camp [like, a modern day hermit crab if you will]. I was angry over nothing, for who knows what reason, for a few days. I bargained over everything from coming home to finding a job to my degree. and until today, I was stuck in a slight bought of depression. let me first say that it is entirely possibly to be happy and sad at the same time. BUT, i'm happy to say that today I conquered stage 5, acceptance. and that is where my revelation comes into play.

I got my degree in education and [as soon as my license arrives in the mail (I owe part of not having my license yet to being in total denial)] i'll be licensed and certified to teach young minds. but guys, i'm not teaching this year. i'm nannying a precious, precious little [almost] 5 month old baby girl. and I LOVE IT. I love being able to watch her grow up, being able to see her hit milestones and just being able to be involved in her life. but i'm no Mary Poppins and not every nanny can be paid a bajillion dollars, and THIS nanny runs out of "Grace Period" in Novermeber [SUP loans]. so I got a second part-time job at Kohls [I start tonight so the jury is still out to see if i'll love that.] well then there's the fact that I'd like to not only be able to pay my bills & loans, but I'd like to have some spending money for when I do have time to be social. so I also work part-time for my moms company. so in total I have a full-time job and two-part time jobs. [we still haven't quite gotten to the revelation yet]

being a college grad, the first question I get from allllmost everyone is, "so what are you doing now?" and then I say nannying and they say something like "oh that's great! so when are you going to start looking for a teaching job?" and then, usually instantly, I feel [FELT] really inadequate. [I bracket felt because that's where my revelation comes in.] I understand that is a normal conversation for me to be apart of. I also understand that my reaction, while it may seem dramatic, I doubt is uncommon among my fellow graduates who haven't jumped IMMEDIATELY into their career. [my fellow graduates that HAVE jumped immediately into their careers, seriously, YOU GO!! that's so exciting for you and I couldn't be happier for you :) truly!! :)] jumping into my career just wasn't where I thought God wanted me to go right then. and my stages of grief made me question that decision almost everyday for a couple weeks. until I got that question today and didn't, for the first time since graduating, feel inadequate. no, I'm not teaching. but I am not NOT working. I'm working my tail off every day. no, it's not what I went to college for. but it's what I'm happy doing. i'll be a teacher someday. next year? probably. but if not, i'm 23 years old. the reality is, i've got time. i'm not entirely confident we college grads get enough credit for the major life change we go through after graduating. we're not looking to be praised for graduating, just let us know you're in our corner while we do our best to figure our lives, and ourselves, out. and if I want to nanny a sweet baby another year or if I want to work hard at three different jobs to pay off my loans so I can skip the country to live in Honduras or if I want to teach, it's my decision. if my loans & bills are being paid and if i'm doing my best to listen to Gods direction and if i'm genuinely happy in the process, isn't that really all that matters?

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