Wednesday, March 23, 2011

It's all so bittersweet.


        [adj. bit-er-sweet, bit-er-sweet; n. bit-er-sweet] -adjective
     1. both pleasant and painful or regretful: a bittersweet memory.

I think that is the best way to describe my day. I got out of bed this morning ready to go. My excitement about Bible Study tonight was at an all time high. Honduras changed the relationships I had with everyone on the trip. But honestly, Honduras changed everything. Anytime I see anyone that went on the trip, my day immediately brightens. (Disclaimer: I still love everyone that didn't go to Honduras, trust me, I love you all) So I think the idea of getting everyone together for the first time since we got back excited me. No, no, I don't think it excited me, of course it excited me. Anyways, the day went well. Bible study started and I started reliving Honduras. We were all together again. We were talking about the kids. We were going to skype Taryn. WE WERE GOING TO SKYPE TARYN!?!? My stomach almost fell on the floor and my heart almost leapt out of my chest. Our own little piece of Honduras was about to be right in front of our very eyes. Then it hit me like a freight train. If we were skyping Taryn, the possibilities of seeing our precious kids were high, very high! At this point, I'm pretty sure I started sweating with excitement. I could not sit still. We were going to see the kids.

            ...We started our presentation with our overall theme: Grace. I don't think we could have picked a more appropriate theme. Grace is the underlying reason Por Los Niños even exists. God's grace saved us all. God's grace brought us all together. We are all blanketed with grace. Then Daniel started. As soon as he stood up and I saw the picture of Alejandro and him, I knew this was going to be hard. It was like ripping off a scab. I was just starting to realize where I was. Where the kids were. And I was beginning, I hadn't gotten there by any means, but I was beginning to make peace with it all. Tonight changed that. But honestly, all I have been wanting to do since our team got back was to sit down together and relive it all. But this hurt. There was no getting around the fact that I'm not in Honduras. I'm not ready to move on. Not just yet...

During the entire presentation, I won't lie, I kept glancing back at the screen. Waiting for a child to show up. Any child. As quickly as it began, it was over. We immediately asked Taryn where the children were. Her response? With a smiling face, "I'll go see who is outside". So it began again. I waitied more anxiously than I knew was possible. The screen froze up for a second. When it came back there was a group of children on the screen. All I could do was scream "HOLA! I MISS YOU! I LOVE YOU." Alberto, Jennifer, Mauricio, Eduin, Isia, Sinia, Hector, Cristian and Alejandro. Right in front of me. I couldn't breathe I was so excited. I think I just sat there starring at them for at least 30 seconds. It was like we were together again. I wish so badly that I got to speak to Jose, but I am beyond grateful and happy that I got to speak to the other children. Nothing felt more right than the 20 minutes we spent talking to the kids. Then we said our goodbyes again. Arkansas to Catacamas.

            ...It was my turn to talk. My hands were shaking. My stomach was flipping. Why was I so anxious. Boom. My favorite picture popped up on the screen. Jose in my lap, fingers locked together, smiles on our faces. I didn't know what to say. All I knew was that I missed him. And I'm certain I said that at least 5 times. I did my best at portraying his story. Did my best not to lose it in front of a group of people. Did my best to smile. Then I was done. I realized everything I forgot to say the second I sat down. I wanted to say how much love Jose had to give. How much love all the children had to give. But it was over. Others had said what I wanted to say. It was over and I missed them already. But, we talked up our kids pretty well if you ask me. Not that they needed any talking up. They're pretty extraordinary all by themselves...

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