I've got a lot on my mind today, so this will probably be long...
I've been thinking a lot lately about new beginnings. I'm not even sure why. Maybe because I'm entering a new stage in my life. Or just finally adjusting to this new stage in my life. I turn 21 this summer. 21. The big leagues. I'll be an adult in every aspect of the word. I'm scared. I'm excited. I'm nervous. I'm anxious. I'm ready. I'm not ready. Mixed emotions barely begins to describe it. But then I have a thought, which often pops into my head during stressful situations. That thought is, you'll survive.
The first time I vividly remember it happening was in 10th grade. I had my French Regents exam. (most people have no idea what a regents exam is because only NY and CA have them) It's basically just a really important exam that you need to pass in order to graduate. No biggie, right? Yeah, tell that to a 16 year old who already feels like she has the weight of the world on her shoulders. It becomes a big deal. I remember walking down the hallway to my exam and freaking out. But then it happened. I immediately thought (in third person no less), "Tracy, stop freaking out. You are not the first person to ever take this exam and you won't be the last. Others have taken it and look at them, they're fine, they moved on, so will you. This isn't the defining moment of your life. Breathe." And I'm okay. My stress level has significantly decreased and I feel calm. I can do this. I can do anything.
Well now that I'm becoming an adult, the stress has begun to pile itself on. It's like I'm trying to sleep and someone is laying book after book after book on my chest and I'm having more and more trouble breathing. Mostly it comes in the quiet hours, when I'm alone with myself. But then, the best feeling, I have that thought. Usually, instead of just thinking "people have done this and survived" I tend to think "my mom has done this and survived." If I had to try and understand that, I'd say it's because of my relationship with my mom. I'm lucky to have the bond we do and I'm so thankful for it. So when I think about the future, worry and sweat about it, I think about my mom. My mom had us all young. By the time she was 27 she had had three kids, been through a divorce and was still standing. She still is standing. Quite tall in fact. So why worry? I'm not the first person to ever stress about the future, money, a job, and loans. And I won't be the last. To be perfectly honest, I hear God in those thoughts. Clearly. Loudly. Lovingly. I'm going to make it. I'm going to be okay.
It's weird you know? I had this whole idea of what I was going to write about and it all changed once I actually started writing. But I want to share this thought. I'm a huge Taylor Swift fan. She's got a song for everything. Well recently, while listening to her CD on repeat, I re-listened to "Innocent". Quite possibly my favorite song on her album. It has a powerful message that touches me in a different way every single time I listen to it. It's main point "Today is never too late to be brand new." The funny thing is, she speaks truth. Every single day we have the opportunity to be brand new with God. How often do we forget that? Honestly. Every day, the opportunity to be sparkly, clean, white and brand new. Don't ever forget that. Ever.